Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.