Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

the icebreaker

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”