“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
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I can fix him.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
this has done me in for some reason
some cats are just doing for fun!
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Tough love is true love
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.