“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
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My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
It’s his time
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.