“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
me linking you to my twitter
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.