“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
You Might Also Like
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.