Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.