Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How it started How it’s going

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Cannot stop laughing at this

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *