Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

This is true.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.