Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

When you don’t understand how floors work

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means