Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

Every photo I’m tagged in

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

crying

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

saving face 👀

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early