You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
#DesignFail
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.