Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.

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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”


My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I’m the only one who can open the fridge.


Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?


in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc


someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why


dude this burger needs to drop the skin care routine.


I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.


“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”


Tim Cook has announced that he’s gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple