@duplicitron

Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.

You Might Also Like

@TheNardvark

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I’m the only one who can open the fridge.

@Tups13

Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?

@sam_kriss

in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc

@leyawn

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

@5ive_zw

dude this burger needs to drop the skin care routine.

@Rollinintheseat

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

@radtoria

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

@DaveAhdoot

Tim Cook has announced that he’s gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple