Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
How to find Kentucky on a map
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Don’t snitch tag.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”