Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
