“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
You Might Also Like
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”