Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

road rage

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Tuesday

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.