Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Overindulged this afternoon.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere