Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

the saddest jazz hands ever

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.