Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

just gave your address to some spiders

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

Love is in the air fryer.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.