Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
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[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
they really wanted me dead for this
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”