Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Good dog. ❤️
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works