@seandunn76

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

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@TheAlexNevil

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

@ramblinma

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

@Leave_the_candy

i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man

@ThugRaccoons

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The beginning is all romance & flowers, but after about 10 yrs it’s mostly just checking each other’s backs for suspicious moles.

@okimstillhungry

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

@Robski_Boy

I still get my ‘drive-throughs’ & ‘drive-bys’ mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?

@QwertyJones3

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

@TheMichaelRock

[first date]

me: so what do you do for a living?

her: I study foreign languages

me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry