Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.