What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
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Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.