Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.