Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.