Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

I’m about to risk it all

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.