We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Name this drama.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
How long do you have to wait between naps?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.