We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.