We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.