Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
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terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
this is a sign that you need a union
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
My five year plan is a meteorite
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.