Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
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Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.