Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
A game married people play.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done