Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
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Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Yup.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce