Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do