Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

Math at Halloween.

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

My love language is deader than Latin

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.