Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

I hope they boil the right one.

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.