Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
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I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
What if all the cashiers are married?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off