Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
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Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.