well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My five year plan is a meteorite
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out