Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

ㅤ

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

This is my pinned tweet

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

Everything reminds me of my ex

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter