@tarashoe

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

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@Fab_Mommy_

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

@didifalldown

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

@ThisOneSayz

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

@flashember

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

@TheCatWhisprer

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

@maisondecris

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

@TheBoydP

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

@SexytotheNorth

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

@iinkedZombie

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

@ch000ch

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok