well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
