Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Cartman: Respect my
a a
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
