Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
