Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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restful sleep
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*