Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My rap name is When i$ Lunch