Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
motivation
