Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

repaired

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots