well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.