well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
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I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Sign of the times. 😒
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