well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
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Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Every damn time
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭