well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
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writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”