Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Hard not to take this personally

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

We’re all getting idioter.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it