“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
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“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much