“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”