well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
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Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Twitter is an abusement park.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
This is true.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?