well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
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them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy