well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys