Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
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So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
dictator is short for richard potato
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”