Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
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If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
💁🏻♂️
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Danger is very dangerous
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Smooooooth
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.