Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

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“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille


Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes


I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan.

“Why hasn’t it got a head?”
“I don’t want to scrape it off the wheel.”


Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…


Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match


My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.


Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.


[christ descends from heaven]
[sees america]