@junejuly12

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

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@iatemuggles

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille

@donni

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

@SqueakyFreckles

I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan.

“Why hasn’t it got a head?”
“I don’t want to scrape it off the wheel.”

@aissalanis

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

@professorkiosk

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

@KentWGraham

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

@GrantTanaka

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER