Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
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I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
idk flipping houses looks really hard
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.