Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Voting is the worst group project

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it