“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
just gave your address to some spiders
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone