“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
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*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?