Well, my evening plans are ruined
You Might Also Like
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet