Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE