well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”