well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]